This is a big one. Abrahams said one of the most critical things in a healthy relationship is that a couple keeps their individuality.
“Way back when we met our partner, they had their own identity and engaged in many aspects of their life. We liked this about them and were attracted to who they were as a stand-alone individual.
“They were interesting, funny, clever, sexy, or had life experience in ways that we enjoyed. We chose to remain with this individual because out of all the other possible people on the planet to partner with, we believed this individual was the best for us.”
Remember those days?
Abrahams said as we start dating, we obviously start to make room for each other in our lives and prioritise this.
Read: That friend who gets into a relationship and you feel like you never see them again.
“We gave up aspects of our individual identities for this relationship, like not seeing certain friends anymore, less time for hobbies, ditching plans to live overseas, or delaying a career choice,” she says.
“When we committed even more and lived together, maybe even had children, the stakes got higher, and we had less time for our individual desires to flourish. We all become more responsible to the couple or family unit, with more demands on our minds, time and freedom.”
And in the process, you kinda just… lose yourself.
“In relationships we often lose sight of our own identity and what makes us happy as an individual. I see many clients where they feel flat or even depressed at this loss.
“We need to keep finding time and space for both our own and our partner’s individual identity to be expressed. We can easily lose sight of what makes our heart sing. We may think it is selfish. It’s not, it’s life enhancing. We may not be able to engage in everything we used to, but we all have individual hopes and desires for our time on earth.”
Abrahams said that for some it can be reconnecting with old friends, picking up an instrument again, pursuing further study, picking up other hobbies, and more.
“We need to make time in our relationships for, ‘I’m doing more of me’ and ‘you do more of you’. Relationships are a marathon not a sprint. We need to refuel and hydrate ourselves in a way that is meaningful for each of us along the way.”
Hear, hear.